During that next year I was scared of what would happen if I would die. I knew I would go to Hell. What if the Rapture would come? I knew that I would be left on this earth. What if… I kept thinking in my head. I knew I was lost and a sinner condemned to hell, but for some reason I was afraid to tell anybody.
Then I went to summer camp in 2008 . Every message was good. I was convicted but fear made me not do anything. On Thursday night, July 3, I was really convicted but I didn’t go up at the invitation. After the service I went with Rachel Hammett and we talked. I prayed to God and asked for forgiveness of sins, and I got saved. At first I didn’t believe I got saved because I have heard so many testimonies of other people saying how after they got saved they had this feeling. I waited, but no feeling came. Also that night I found out that one of my friends got saved. Of course we were both happy and excited and I really wanted to say something at testimony time, but fear over took me.
When I got home from camp I told my parents what had happened. I was saying how I was going to read my Bible everyday, but after camp, things started slowing down I started hanging around my neighbor friends again, and then everything just stopped. Later on that year I started doubting that I was really saved. I had done the four week Bible Study with my mom, but still had this need to have some special feeling to know if I was really saved. I kept praying one of those prayers “If I’m not saved please save me,” because I thought that I needed to have this miraculous feeling showing me if I am saved. So that was one of my reasons for doubting. I then just put it off.
One day though, I was having piano lessons with Kristen Nadaskay, and she asked me some questions about my salvation. I got this lump in my throat because I knew that I wasn’t sure that I was saved, because I was still waiting for a special feeling. I kept saying to myself, “I’m not gonna cry, I’m not gonna cry.” I was really frustrated with myself because I truly wanted to know if I was saved or wasn’t saved, but I was too embarrassed to talk to anybody.
Kristen then asked me if I wanted to do the 8 week Bible Study with her, which I agreed to. I knew I needed to do something. I didn’t want to keep putting it off. It wasn’t until I finally understood that salvation isn’t based on feelings that it seemed so much clearer to me. When I got to the second study on Assurance, I wanted to truly make sure that I was saved. I did the Assurance study a second time which helped me know for sure that I was truly saved based on these verses, Acts 16:31 “ And they said, Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved, and thy house.” And of course John 3:16, "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.”
In the spring of 2009, my family and I went to the Sight n’ Sound play called “Behold the Lamb”. It portrayed how they crucified Jesus. I was so affected by it that I just wanted to cry, seeing what Jesus did for me. Now when Kristen would talk to me about spiritual things, I wouldn’t have that lump in my throat anymore. I would openly talk to her about spiritual things. And also when I would hang out with my friends from the neighborhood and they would turn on their music, I get this uneasy feeling and try to make an excuse to leave.
Then I started having issues with baptism. I knew it was the right thing to do after you got saved, but I would put it off saying “I can do it next year, or I will finish my testimony tomorrow.” Of course that never really got me anywhere. I had half my testimony written out, but never made the time to finish it. But when my brother got baptized when he was 19, because he also waited till later and seeing how he has been growing ever since he made that step of obedience, I knew I needed to get it done. As time went on, though, I just kept on thinking about my testimony, but never finishing it. Then something happened. Pastor Roland preached chapel at school. I came in late so I had to sit in the front row - much to my dismay - but the message really got my attention. His message was about accountability. How in the summer it is the hardest time to read your Bible. During the message he called out my name twice just saying how it could be up to me to do certain things. Right then and there, I knew I had to get an accountability partner and get my testimony written and not keep putting it off. I got Briar as my partner, and as were talking I was excited as was she. We made a list of what we needed to accomplish, and the first thing I said was get Baptized!
I started typing it out, but then stopped, because we were off to camp. During camp our counselors in our cabin told us their testimonies. It was such a blessing to hear what they went through and it encouraged me because one of them said how they also struggled with baptism, which right then and there made me think, I can’t keep putting this off. I knew that after I got home that I need to type it out completely. As I was typing it out I thought of this song, it was my Pop-Pop’s favorite song, and now it’s mine too. I just like the words of the chorus - the assurance it gives. “Because He lives, I can face tomorrow, Because He lives all fear is gone, because I know who holds the future, and life is worth the living just because He lives.”
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